i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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