You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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