R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
