Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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