I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
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