You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
