I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
