I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
