remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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