Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
