I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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