I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
