just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
