nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
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