I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
