Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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