i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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