i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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