apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
