Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
