After last night, I could never be a politician.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
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i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
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Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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