He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
