Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
