if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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