I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
