you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
