I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
