next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
