i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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