time to smoke my breakfast
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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