walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
