I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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