The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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