Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
