guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
