Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
