i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
