I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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