if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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