Please, let me fuck your mom
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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