It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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