swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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