Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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