How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
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I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
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You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?