After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?