Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
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YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
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i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.