***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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