ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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