When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
