i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
