is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
