just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Alive.
So much puke
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
