My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
