He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
