don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
