I'm jealous of your bromance
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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