I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
