I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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