For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
