Just fell off a train. Bad.
...so i touched it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
