Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
