If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
