Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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